I want to disclaimer this by saying I am NOT one of those people who thinks the holiday is stupid and angsty. I think there’s never anything wrong with a celebration of love…just lay off the cheesy balloons, chocolates, and flowers.

The following fic is a glimpse into Willow’s tortured mind…after the seer went crazy, his one link to normalcy was Brandywine, his Interpreter. Eventually, Willow’s violence towards himself and others and the increasing pain and insanity of his visions drove Brandywine away before his connection to Willow drove him insane too…This didn’t sit well with the ruined seer.

Enjoy the pics and fics! Because my layout squishes them a bit, you can click for the full size image. (Pics by Armeleia!)



And it’s a dirty job when someone tells you something…something you don’t want to do. Someone always telling, yelling, knowing better than you what’s in your own head and you want to stand up and they tell you to sit down and you stand and they’re yelling, telling you, and your knees buckle.

And there are things I don’t tell them, I keep them on the inside. Even though inside has all that darkness I’m afraid of, the dark wetness of fear that I’m afraid of, and the red that I always wear inside. Red fire embers blood death watching a baby die inside someone else knowing where it comes from all the fire in the center of your eye the eye in the center of your chest.

(More pics and the rest of the fic below the cut)

And I woke up in the middle of the night and with all that roiling inside me. The sky should have been screaming, screaming, and somehow you weren’t awake. All that circus of tearing nails in my head and you still sleeping. You can see my dreams and I want to see yours. They make your face relax. I don’t see your red eyes that see through everything. How do you sleep, you bastard, how do you sleep when I’m all shattered glass inside and I can’t lay down without the fear of my stomach being slit open from the inside?

And where are you now, run away from me because I broke the rule. You said that when I did it, they would go away, all the images that have always been running inside my head, making me out of breath when I have my senses again. The one thing I doubted about myself, the one I was desperate to come true. Never a vision wrong, never wrong. I’m a seer without one error except you, you in your smile. I like to laugh with you when others are crying. I cry for myself mostly.


I was trying to make it come true, Brandywine. I was tired of waiting. Never wrong must be right and you’re gone and now it’ll never be true.

They told you to go and you went. They tell me to sit still and I scream at them, Brandywine. I scream at them and curse them with their real names. I scratch my eyes when I see the things I don’t want. I let the wall have at my head when I think about you.

That vision was you and me. I knew you were coming before you were here, before I looked down from that high window and saw you walking to the Dream House. It was you and me and when I saw you, my mind was overwritten and I was demonically proud. Because I’d never been wrong.


Look where that got me.

When they hose me with cold water and tie my hands behind my back. When I’m sedated and only screaming with my eyes. When they’re telling me, yelling at me, to sit down and be still, Willow, be still…he’s not coming back, Willow, sit down and be still, Willow….

Am I mad because I lost you, Brandywine, bastard, balance? Or am I only mad because I was wrong, wrong, first time for everything wrong? Bastard. Broken. I’m so broken. And every little piece has your smile marked on it, every last shard shattered pain so deep it’s almost through to the other side bruises on my hips and on your face and I hit you I’m sorry love you hate you love.